Refining My Environment: Creating a Home That Holds Peace
The way we live, what we keep, and what we consume all shape how we feel
When I first imagined being in this space of empty nesting I saw myself and a partner exploring life together, discovering each other all over again and recapturing love. In this season I am learning how to do all of those things on my own. While it was a devastating blow to lose that part of the life that I dreamed of, there is something completely different about how I am showing up in this new space of mine called life lately.
I recently discovered that when one season ends the new season often brings clarity along with it and for me that meant that I am still capable of having the life that I once dreamed of and that if I just clear out all of the things that I was holding onto, that the life I wanted would far exceed any dream that I could imagine. Now how to get from this place to my destination was the greatest question that I honestly had to sit with for a long time and have a conversation with God along with a good, good cry. See, both my head and body were still processing the separation while my heart knew, it knew long before I did that we no longer had the capacity to hold what we both were carrying. My head wanted to let everything burn - it wanted to have that epic Bernedette scene from Waiting to Exhale while my heart wanted to crawl into bed and hide under the covers.
Thankfully, neither of those things happened but what did was even more impactful. I started to move with more authority by taking back my time in places that really mattered, taking back my autonomy that was misplaced as submission and sifting through small areas that held echoes loudly so that my nervous system could regulate without reacting, because let's be honest - what has that ever accomplished?
After my partner left I discovered that my engagement ring was in the back of our safe, tucked away in its original boxes with the original note that was placed inside. I had not seen the ring in several years. I took the ring out of its box, looked it over, held it - felt the weight of, tried it on, put it back in its boxes, and placed it in the far back of the safe. I sat there on the floor in the quiet of my bedroom closet waiting for the symphony of tears that I thought for sure would come - but they didn't, instead I allowed myself to feel everything about that moment, truly feel it, digest it and reflect on what I had just processed.
That part of my life was over, true, but that does not mean that I will not fall in love again and have a moment even more beautiful than this. It was not the final end, it was an end to that season, and I had come to terms with it.
I picked myself up off the floor and reached for my wedding binder on the top shelf next. My process was pretty much the same as the ring - feel, digits, reflect and move on. After removing items from the planner I did keep one or two things to remind me that I am still a work in progress and that God is shaping me into the woman of my dreams. I kept the original design for my wedding gown - as a reminder that the concept remains but the fine details can always be altered and the fabrics of the dress, lace of the train as a reminder that refinement sometimes comes at a cost but those who are aligned will rise to the occasion to be able to afford the price to have it.
In other words, I asked God for many things and now he is showing me where I need to prepare to hold those things with better care so that they will last. What I am learning in this season of refinement is that in order to be ready to receive what you asked for you have to apply the concept to your daily life - meaning prepare to do the work of unlearning habits that have kept me stuck, looping, spiraling and in emotional chaos.
Creating a home that holds peace is exactly that, intentional internal work. I view my home as a direct reflection of myself and mind. If my home is cluttered, more than likely so is my mindset. Once I started slowly going through each room of my home I realized that there were things that I was holding on to that were taking up space reminding me of what I asked God to remove. Now, these changes did not happen overnight and that is the transparency that I am sharing here because I often waiver on my own thoughts - but that is also me having self awareness of me being vulnerable with myself.
What I discovered is that once I started with my first two items it was easier to let go a lot quicker with more things as I came across them. Not all of these objects were tangible items, I also had to let go of old emails, texts, photos, etc. Some areas were more delicate than others, and this where both discipline and discernment took over as I needed to decide what amongst those things could be replaced for peace and what was being cherished as memories. So, in those areas I took my time.
I also started to replace and or upgrade certain items in my home to make it feel more like me, and create a space that felt like my own. My home is one of the biggest projects as it has always been a sanctuary for me, a place to retreat and I am learning more about my taste in many areas of my life. I want this space to match the way I am currently living, calm, regulated and in peace. Not saying that my home was not that before but once the clutter of things diminish it restores a sense of balance.
The laughter has returned, I plan my days with more intention now so that I am not waiting for someone or something to happen. I make it happen myself and that alone has restored so much more confidence and peace within my space, mind, body and heart. I remember when I first started dating my partner and we were discussing them planning dates for the both of us. They would ask me questions like, “What do you want to do?” and I couldn’t really provide an answer. Honestly, at that time in my life I was raising small children so my thoughts of what I wanted were often on the back burner but somehow I expected them to know or figure it out and that was unfair. In hindsight, what I truly wanted was to experience how they felt about me through their eyes.
So, now I ask myself those questions and unlike before, I actually have an answer for not only what I want for dating but ultimately what I want for the rest of my life. I want endless nights of romance, endless conversations about any and everything and nothing all at the same time. I want more than anything to return to a healed version of myself that naturally lights up every room that I enter. This is what peace felt like to me prior to any rupture or heartache and now I am slowly returning these things back to myself as I embody the soft life that I have created, as I now know that peace isn’t just something I pray for, it is something I’ve made room for.
With Love, Always - La O.
